things i want to do

I wrote a draft of this post about a year ago when I was feeling super down and depressed, and then ended up not posting it and keeping it for myself because I worried it was too personal. I’ve definitely been feeling down again, which is largely why I took a hiatus again, but writing my morning pages for The Artist’s Way and coming up with a more concrete treatment plan have been helping me feel a little hopeful, and I wanted to share this list of things I want to do in the hopes that maybe it will help someone who’s in a similar dark emotional place think of things they want to do that will make them want to keep on going. So, here’s a list of things I want to do:

  • Get a job I’m passionate about. I am liking the new librarian job better than the old one, and think I might like it even better if I was feeling better, but I’m still not sure if being a librarian is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and when I talked to an old coworker about it, she said I owe it to myself to find out, which I think is true.
  • Marry my bae. He is great. I feel like I should have more to say than that but honestly, “he is great” just about sums it up because…he is?? Like…idk I just really love him a lot?
  • Move to a bigger place. I’ve talked a lot on here about hating my apartment, one of the reasons being that it’s very small and it’s impossible to feel like I ever get alone time. Plus, the cats get the cat crazies a lot and don’t have enough room to run around so they tear everything up with their little clawpaws instead.
  • Work on my grimoire more. I definitely want to do more witchy stuff in general. I feel very connected to witchcraft for a lot of reasons. Carrying my crystals around has been more helpful to my mental health lately than almost anything else, and I love connecting with the witchy community online because everyone is so supportive.
  • Get a new car. My car is very old and beat up because it has seen a couple accidents on my watch, and I just hate looking at it and feeling guilty about them and also want a hybrid.
  • Learn ukulele. This one is actually kind of inspired by my mom, who retired this past year and decided she wanted to learn an instrument and is taking ukulele classes. I’ve always wanted to learn an instrument like ukulele or guitar to accompany myself while singing, and I feel like if my mom can do it, I can too! Plus, it would be fun to play together because music is something I’ve never been able to share in that way with her even though my family was always extremely supportive of my music, so it would be a fun way to connect.
  • Write a book. Eventually. I have so many ideas for books that I’m passionate and excited about, but am scared to write them for some reason.
  • Write poetry. Something I’m not scared to write is poetry, because with Instagram poetry there’s such a variety out there that people like. I know I can write like some of the poets I follow, and I enjoy writing it. I always feel inspired to write poetry when I read it, and I want to take my poetry somewhere someday.
  • Rescue all the cats. I just?? Love?? Cats so much? I already have two but I just want to save all the kitties and have kitties everywhere being happy and safe and loved and cared for.
  • Reach 1,000 blog followers. I’m almost at 500 followers, so almost halfway there! I never thought I’d even make that many followers and am excited to meet that. I milestone, and it seems possible now that I can reach even more people eventually. I know I shouldn’t attach social media stats to my self-worth and for the most part I don’t, but it would just be such a satisfying milestone to reach.
  • Change my name and pronouns. I really want to go by Mel in real life because it feels more me for a lot of reasons, including that it’s kind of gender neutral, and I want to use they/them pronouns. I feel very strongly that I am nonbinary, and I want to express it more in real life even though it’s kind of scary because I know I’ll have to be assertive and correct people a lot because I don’t present as masculine as I want to and look very feminine. *I wrote this post before I did this but I have started doing it YAY*
  • Experiment with YouTube. I’ve been staunchly avoiding Booktube for a long time, but lately I’ve been watching some booktubers I actually really like and find super inspiring, and kind of want to try my hand at it as well and see if it’s something I could be good at.
  • Feel more okay than not. Obviously, recovery is the ultimate goal for me. I just want to know what it feels like to have “okay” be my baseline emotion instead of “lowkey depressed.” I want to be able to let myself be happy and not feel like it’s all going to come crashing down. I want to have more okay days than bad days, and even be able to have a good day once in a while. I want more nuance in my emotions, and not just be below okay all the time.

On a semi-related note, I just want to thank everyone who’s reached out on this blog and on Twitter when I’ve written about my mental health struggles. Knowing that people see me and care about me even though they’ve never met me in real life (minus Kayli, we know each other in real life, lol) is just so comforting, and honestly even virtual hugs and encouragement are just so helpful. So thank you, and I hope to share some better news sometime soon.

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