Ugh, April has been…the worst month so far since I moved probably. It’s the most depressed I’ve been, the most disasters happened, and overall just not good. I managed to get into two car disasters (the car is fine and I am fine and actually my wallet is pretty fine, but emotionally, I AM NOT FINE) in one day, one of which was my tire blowing out on the highway, and the other I got into an accident pulling out of the auto center after getting said tire replaced. It took a huge toll on me emotionally and I’ve just been beating up the crap out of myself for it. I also got in trouble at work because I’ve been sick a lot because I’ve had problems with nausea for about a year, and the only answer my old doctor at home gave me was that it’s because I’m fat and stressed (but mostly because I’m fat).
I guess a couple good things happened. I saw friends a few times. I’ve especially been reconnecting with someone I was really close to my freshman year of college, which has been lovely because I really missed being friends with him. He was nice then, but has just become such a wonderful, caring, sweet person to be around and it’s good to have him in my corner again. I also went to a work social event for new staff, which was awkward at first but was eventually fun. It was nice to know that people at other library branches in the system have the same problems and more problems that we do at my branch, and it was good to meet other people and not feel so isolated.
Seeing friends helped with the depression piece a little bit, but overall I’m still really feeling down. I think I need to do more fun things in general, like going out things, even though I’m definitely a homebody, but also picking up hobbies and activities I enjoy doing again and maybe even trying something new. I’ve tried starting a bookstagram but am having a hard time finding inspiration and with keeping up with it.
I just really need to do creative things. I love singing in the car and around the house, and wish I had the means to record my own stuff, but that costs money and requires technological skills I probably don’t have. I might look at some recording stuff for fun and for the future though. I wish I had the inspiration to take up songwriting again like I did in high school for a while, and I also want to get back into novel writing because Queer Bookish Novel needs to happen. Hopefully I’ll be more motivated in May. We’ll see I guess.
What I Read
I barely read this month and I’m really embarrassed about it. I only read two books, Love and Other Carnivorous Plants and ACOMAF reread. Carnivorous Plants didn’t quite live up to my super high, most-anticipated-book expectations, but it was still really good and super queer, and gave me a lot to think about. ACOMAF was super enjoyable to reread because RHYSAND. omg. I just…Rhysand…
Even though it’s only my second month back into blogging and I’m still low on stats, I’m feeling a lot better about it than I thought I would or than I used to when I blogged before. I’m interacting with the community a lot more this time around, and it’s fun to get likes and comments and follows from people you talk to and admire. It’s definitely more fulfilling for me to feel like I’m part of the book community this time around, since I felt that was missing when I used to blog. I think that’s also because I’m focusing on finding new bloggers, and people who are blogging now seem a lot nicer and friendlier in general.
- OMG Hayley Kiyoko’s album. I vaguely knew about Lesbian Jesus because I’d heard the song Girls Like Girls before, but Expectations was so killer and so gay and amazing and I’m just in love and this album will for sure be the soundtrack when I write Queer Bookish Novel. God, I just love it so much. It’s so fun and gay and pop-y and different than what I usually listen to.
- Pink hair. My hair has been pink since late January-early February, but it just makes me so happy. I feel like my hair is the one thing I see when I look in the mirror that I actually like and that makes me feel confidence and joy. I also get lots of compliments on it, which doesn’t hurt. I’m thinking I’m going to go purple in the summer, then maybe blue and mermaid-y in the fall. I love having colorful hair! It just fits my personality so well and it’s really fun.
- Indian food. I got way too much Indian food this month after the car incidents, but it did help a lot. There’s this place that delivers near me and their chicken tikka masala is so perfect and their garlic naan is just top notch.
- Project Runway All-Stars. Usually I have a love-hate relationship with this version of PR because I never agree with the judges and think their taste is old-fashioned, but this season, the person who I wanted to win actually won!! The challenges were also super fun, there was a good amount of drama, and the people on it actually deserved to be there and weren’t only there for drama value for the most part, which is a MAJOR improvement from last season.