if we were having tea \\ 3-25-19

Posted March 25, 2019 by cottoncandybookwitch in personal / 2 Comments

If We Were Having Tea is a personal post based on a feature called If We Were Having Coffee that I saw on another blogger’s site once and is now so far in the past that I can’t find a link to link back to her original post. Anyway. It’s basically a check in. I tend to do them about every other month, so I guess it makes sense that I want to do one now since I last did one in January. I also usually want to do them when I’m feeling really bad, but that is not the case this time, and I am very pleased about that.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you my reading this year has all been kind of “meh.” According to my ratings on my book blogging spreadsheet, most of my ratings are above 3 stars, but overall I just have a feeling of “meh” and not being super excited or super disgusted by what I’ve been reading. I also haven’t been reading a ton of new books this year either, and have been trying to branch out and read other genres and read more backlist books instead of constantly trying (and failing) to keep up with new releases, which has been somewhat nice. But maybe it’s not going as well as I planned and I need to read books I know I’ll love.

If we were having tea…I’d say I’m feeling way better about my job than I have for pretty much the entire first year I’ve been at it. I feel like I’m doing a lot better with it, have done a ton of things that were hard for me and succeeded at them and I’m really proud of myself for sticking with it even though there have been a lot of times when I’ve wanted to quit or been unsure if this career was for me. I’m still applying to other library jobs though because I do want a job with higher pay and in a safe area, because I feel like it’s hard for me to truly excel in a place where I don’t feel safe every day. But in general, I’m having a lot more positive feelings about the job and appreciate all that I’ve learned here.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you I’m getting really bored of filling out my mood chart in my bullet journal because I’ve been weirdly stable? And even optimistic? I’ve been able to to so many more things than I used to because my anxiety is SO MUCH BETTER and my heart problems seem settled down and my meds are all correct and nothing in the news has triggered any more major bouts of depression for a while. This is honestly the best I’ve felt mentally in years, and maybe even my whole life. I feel more confident that I can do things, and know I’m strong enough to do whatever I want to do.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you I finally bought my own crystals, which I have yet to do anything with but want to, and have also been doing a little more with tarot lately. I’m really interested in learning tarot, and have had fun doing posts of my tarot readings of books. I’ve found so far that in my life and with the books that the cards I pull tend to be really weirdly accurate and it freaks me out a bit. But I am very much enjoying learning tarot and am looking forward to having a full deck when my March Unicorn Crate comes (my current deck is missing the Four of Cups card. At least that means I can’t be self-centered?)

If we were having tea…I’d say I’ve been thinking a lot about friends and friendships lately and it’s kind of getting me down. I have a couple people at work who I consider friends, and honestly they’ve been being better friends than the people I went to college with who I moved here for. I’ve been feeling down because I’m the only one who ever reaches out and asks to do things and I’m always met with a no because I guess they’re just super busy? But it’s starting to feel like they’re avoiding me even though I’ve asked them directly if that’s the case and they say it’s not, but I also know them and know if it were true they wouldn’t tell me because they’re too anxious for conflict. But it takes a lot out of me emotionally to get super anxious about asking them to do stuff and then always being rejected and at this point I kind of don’t even want to talk to them. I don’t think they’d notice if I stopped trying. So that makes me feel pretty shitty.

If we were having tea…I’d say I haven’t really had a whole lot of motivation to blog? I’ve been doing it because I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made on it, but it’s been super tough for me to think of posts to write. I’ve lost motivation to even read and comment on other people’s posts, or do much other than like people’s posts who I do read. I know in my head it wouldn’t be the end of the world to take a break, but blogging is just so ingrained in me that I can’t stop myself from doing it even when I’m not that into it.

If we were having tea…I’d tell you that I bought some wall art for my apartment and I’m really excited about it! I’ve been trying to think of ways to make my place feel more like home and what always sticks in my mind is putting art on the walls. So I’m hoping that will help. I also want to stick to my goals and actually clean regularly, and keep the cardboard boxes from piling up so much, and keep the kitchen counters and the washing machine cleared off, and…lots of boring adult stuff. Oh god, I’ve become a boring adult.

 

 

 

 

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2 responses to “if we were having tea \\ 3-25-19

  1. Thanks for sharing all your thoughts! I’m glad work is better for you now, but I do wish you had more social interaction in your area. Keep focusing on the positives as much as possible and know that it’s okay if things change and you fall into anxiety and depression again because there’s always someone here for you!

  2. Focus on the positives! Maybe just shift the focus of your blog to what makes you happy. If your art is making you happy then post about it until a book inspires you or someone’s blog inspires you.

    I know how you feel about reaching out to people. You just summarized the last year of my life. And you are right. After a while you just give up and it does become depressing. My only real friend is my ex at this point and I’m still in love with him so that is all kinds of complicated. But at least he is around and he authentically cares about me and wants to see me. That one person is better than no one. If everyone else wants to walk away at this point, I have let them. I wish I had better advice or a way to cope. I just accepted it and moved on. I focused on my reading blogging and thinking about what will hopefully be the next stage of my life.

    I will say this. I am guessing you are about 20 years younger than me. Dont waste time. Dont focus on people that dont want to be around you. You are feeling more confident and positive? Focus on it and dont let them drag you down. Go out and find people that lift you up. Hang out with the new friends from work or try and meet people through them. Go to art galleries and meet people. It is easier at your age than mine. šŸ™‚

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